Today, from approximately 5am-9am EST, male workers across America, from CEO’s to blue collar construction workers, called in sick for work. According to multiple male sources, this is not related to the hundreds of photos or nude celebs that were leaked last night, and is purely a coincidence.
“This massive male call-out is clearly not related to any of those hundred-something photos of Jennifer Lawrence, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, and other celebrities,” says Dr. Smith, a male physician in Miami, FL. “This is, however, a rare and very contagious disease that has affected those only with a Y-chromosome, which can cause spasms in the hand for a 12 to 24 hour period. Due to these spasms, it is not recommended that any male go to work or leave the house.” The disease, which doctors call the Gopaf nerve disease, is expected to “be gone within the day, as the disease is such a simple viral infection that the body will react fast to it.” Dr. Smith has repeatedly assured us that there is no way that this disease is related to the celebrity nudes, and stated every twenty seconds that “It is just a coincidence.”
With all males out at home recovering from this disease, the remaining female workers are expected to “Actually get things done, for a change.”
“We females know that, for the next few hours, we’re actually going to get the work done” according to female office worker Katie R. in New York City.
“With no males to limit us, we can actually reform the economy, solve poverty, and make this the best country in the world,” says congresswoman Kathy Castor.
With all sources confirming that this disease is not a cover of men staying home just for looking at leaked nudes of celebrities that all men have fantasized having sex with, we still want to report that the nudes are still raising concerns about internet privacy. Luckily for us, we had an exclusive phone interview with one of the alleged hackers, whose name we were not given for obvious reasons, to verify some information.
JC: “Thank you for calling us and deciding to do this interview.”
Hacker: “Don’t mention it.”
JC: “So, you and a few others are responsible for these leaked nudes, is that correct?”
H: “Yes, I did hack through some sources.”
JC: “So these photos are not fakes, right?”
H: “I assure you they’re real.”
JC: “You’re not fucking with us, right? A couple of stars have come out to say that they are fakes.”
H: “I’m not fucking with you.”
JC “You are aware that if you did just post Photoshopped fakes, all men will be disappointed and want your head on a platter, right?”
H: “Yeah… sure.”
JC: “We saw that you first posted to 4chan and then to Reddit, and when we looked at your accounts, you have opposed the NSA from doing their spying and invading privacy in the past. Do you see any irony or hypocrisy in your actions?”
H: (A ten second pause) “No, because looking at and sharing pictures of a celebrity’s breasts is better than the NSA looking at celebrity breasts and not sharing the pictures.”
JC: “Makes perfect sense.”
The hacker hung up after that last statement. We were about to ask is there was any correlation between this and the leaked nudes, but we speculate his answer would have been “Use your fucking brain.”
The Associated Press did not contribute to this story. Those guys are jerks.
Fair warning: This post contains spoilers for the films God’s Not Dead and Reservoir Dogs. If you have not seen either of these films, I recommend watching them. Even if you are an Atheist, watch God’s Not Dead, because while the film itself is basically religious propaganda, there are multitudes of reasons to complain, even with biases aside.
God’s Not Dead (2014) is a dramatic Christian film directed by Harold Cronk with 17% of critics enjoying it, but with a substantially high 83% of the general audience liking it according to Rotten Tomatoes. The film focuses on freshman Josh, a Christian, debating with his philosophy teacher, an Atheist, along with many other supporting plots that get tangled up with the main story. The film, set in college, showcases all the fun of lecturing and debate during an introductory philosophy class and teachers leaning on walls at the back of the classroom getting angry!
Reservoir Dogs (1992) is a crime thriller and the directorial debut of Quentin Tarantino with a 92% positive rating from critics, and 94% of the general audience liking it according to Rotten Tomatoes. The film focuses on the non-chronological skills of Tarantino as he showcases the events before and after a failed diamond heist, with supporting plots that go smoothly with the main story. In a multitude of settings, but mainly a warehouse, the film has all the fun adventures of finding the rat and killing your own team at the end!
These films have practically nothing in common. However, when put side to side, you start to question how the hell a film critics panned was loved by the majority of the general audience. So, I put almost all biases aside for this one time series Films Side by Side (Not affiliated with the Keanu Reeves documentary Side by Side (2012)), where at certain points of the film, I explain what happened and give some thoughts on either how great or how shitty the past few scenes were, and will help compare an audience loved film versus a critic and audience loved film. Both films will be abbreviated by its initials.
Before we begin, I’ll use this quote from the YouTube channel CinemaSins to represent this blog and the people who run it: “We’re not reviewers, we’re assholes.”
Before Film Thoughts: Okay, I’m not religious, but all my friends on Facebook just love GND, and only a few of my friends love Tarantino films. So, either I have a bad taste in film and need to enjoy more religious films, or I need to get rid of my current friends.
GND: Pureflix? What the fuck is Pureflix? It’s not the shittier version of Netflix, so why is it the name of a film production! Not only that, the film takes two minutes to get through the name of the film and every single person involved. Someone didn’t take a lesson from Spider-man (2002). The graphics were decent though in Spider-man, this is just people laughing and walking with flat words on screen with Christian music. Also, can’t trust a feature length film shot in the same aspect ratio of most modern TV shows.
RD: Okay, orange text on a black screen and the title doesn’t come up before the opening tag. This film is already professional. Same with the aspect ratios: 2.39:1! Cinema standards!
8 Minutes In:
GND: Okay, isn’t this film supposed to convince me to believe in God? I’m only convinced that there’s no way someone in college doesn’t know that PRC stands for the People’s Republic of China, that the only reason one of the supporting characters got robbed was for unnecessary conflict, and that all businessmen and women are smug douchebags.
RD: Now this film is getting somewhere. I just get to the name of the film and it already convinced me that Tarantino can write, act, and direct, and that I shouldn’t tip my waitresses.
11 Minutes In:
GDN: Alright, the professor is already going into how most famous philosophers were Atheists. And the one stereotypical laid back student left after he was told he would do work. I want some real conflict that matters later on into the film, goddammit!
RD: Okay, we skipped the diamond heist (which would have been fun to see, I’ll admit), but there is already real conflict! Mr. Orange got shot and Mr. White is trying to calm him down as they drive to the rendezvous. This is getting exciting.
17 Minutes In:
GND: Two priests talk about layovers and a 36 hour flight, which is exciting. Then the Atheist professor says “God is dead” (metaphor for God never existed), the Christian student doesn’t stand for it, and the professor decides to allow him do debate that God isn’t dead. They never say “God’s not dead” specifically, so the credits do not need to roll yet.
RD: Mr. Pink shows up and is already saying that the heist was set – Okay, now I feel like an asshole for spoiling this film for those who haven’t seen it. Get off this blog and watch the damn film. It’s on Netflix and all pirating sites. Watch it, and then get back so I can spoil GND.
18 Minutes In:
GND: Okay, this film, within a one minute interval, did convince me something. Not that God’s not dead, but that Josh’s girlfriend is a controlling bitch, as proven by the quote “I’m sorry if I have the next 50 years of our life planned out.” Yeah, I’m betting five bucks that they break up.
RD: The two who haven’t been shot go to another room to talk, and it was written beautifully.
21 Minutes In:
GND: Atheist reporter talks to a Christian redneck and his beautiful wife, and no real conflict happens. Either the hot wife is a gold digger or this movie has false logic about women liking men, because if the redneck can just get a beautiful woman, then I should be drowning in the vaginas (and I mean drowning.)
RD: Only two problems within the last few minutes: No sensible person would say the words “The fuck’s your problem man?” when a man running with a gun shoves you a little bit to the side, and guns have more than 6-12 bullets. Other than that, everything seems logical.
23 Minutes In:
GND: Stereotypical Islamic father is stereotypically Islamic. (Add one point to the sin count, kids at home!) Also, if we’re bringing Islam into this, why not bring in Judaism? Hell, let’s bring in some Mormons and make this a religious melting pot!
RD: From what I’ve heard, Mr. Blonde’s not a guy I’d want to bring to a dinner party, let me tell ya. Also, if this Joe fella brought all these people together, then he needs to get his shit together. There’s a nice conversation on human nature though.
28 Minutes In:
GND: Priests talking and bible reading! What’s next? Songs about Christ? Wait, already done. Maybe some more!
RD: Somebody’s a fuck’n rat. Mr. White has a back-story. Joe is the head of some mob, the job was originally five members, but there was an added sixth member somehow. Suspense.
33 Minutes In:
GND: This film is 1/4 of the way done now. The Atheist female report has cancer, and if they don’t bring it up again like in The Room (2003), then maybe I can start taking this film seriously. Also, Josh’s girlfriend still thinks only about herself.
RD: This film is 1/3 of the way done. So shit gets real in the warehouse. Mr. White and Mr. Pink make the famous shot where Mr. Pink lies on the ground with his gun at Mr. White, who is standing with his gun pointed at Mr. Pink. Mr. Blonde shows up out of nowhere.
40 Minutes In:
GND: Okay, the two priests from the airport try to go on vacation, but the car doesn’t work. Then it cuts to Josh lecturing on God, which leads to the most idiotic person on the fucking planet to say “What’s a theist?” even though the professor ALREADY EXPLAINED THAT ON THE FIRST DAY. Then it cuts to the priests, and one of them asks a car and specifically asks for air conditioning, even though that’s probably standard in all modern cars. Then it cuts back to Josh and his whole lecture is broken by one thing the professor says. There are so many examples of sloppy writing within 7 minutes that this is starting to become a religious Room.
RD: Mr. White loses his shit, while Mr. Blonde is pretty fucking smooth for a psycho killer. There is excellent writing here, folks. Now there’s a cop hostage and we start to see the back-story behind Mr. Blonde. I am considering just watching the end of this through and stop watching GND.
50 Minutes In:
GND: Okay, we get it: All Atheists are assholes. You don’t need to prove it within two minutes. I do give the film credit when Josh decides to pretty much say to his girlfriend “You’re a bitch” and they break up. (If you played the bet at home from 32 minutes ago, you owe me five dollars!) Even with the most realistic scene done, some serious bullshit comes along: The daughter of the stereotypical Islamic dad apparently listens to the bible, then her little brother decides to be a dick and goes into her room while she lies down listening to gospel, and he finds out, causing her to yell at him and tell him to never tell their father, even though he totally will. Then afterwards the film continues to prove that Atheist businessmen are assholes when the businessman from the beginning has dinner with cancer gal, and she says that she’s in love with him, and he says that love is used so loosely.
RD: Yeah, this film is way better. The mob head has a son who’s a fucking prick, he meets up with the warehouse gang, and they leave the hostage with Mr. Blonde.
1 Hour In:
GND: The film is halfway done. I’ll summarize the last few minutes: Priest gets new car, it doesn’t work again. Asshole businessman is the brother of Christian nice person, and their mom has dementia. The most worthless ten seconds of film happen when Josh gets a book from a library that cuts Christian and Asshole Atheist brother with her boyfriend asshole Atheist professor. This movie is really starting to play the interconnecting bullshit card. Afterwards, the priest gets another car, and it still doesn’t work. Then, asshole Atheist professor hosts a part with other asshole Atheist professors and makes fun of Josh while Christian nice woman argues with asshole Atheist professors. Look, I get professors make fun of their students, but isn’t there another kid in the class they could make fun of? Maybe that one extra who just kind of looks weird?
RD: The film is 2/3 of the way done. 7 minutes are dedicated to this one hostage, only to prove that psychopathic killer/torturer is psychotic (the song Stuck in the Middle with You will never be heard the same way again), and now they’ve decided to give a realistic amount of bullets to the guys when Mr. Orange shoots Mr. Blonde, making us believe he’s the rat. Now, the fact that Mr. Orange was shot by his own cops when the department knew he was a part of it means that either the police are idiots for fucking shooting him or geniuses by making him injured for realism.
1Hr, 2 Min In:
GND: Stereotypical Asian father is stereotypically Asian. Asshole professor is an asshole.
RD: Mr. Orange explains stuff, it will be more important within 20 minutes.
1 Hr, 25 Min In:
GND: Another lecture, priest whose car will never start somehow gets to dinner with nice Christian gal that has asshole Atheist boyfriend, so more interconnections I need to remember. Another pro-God lecture, Atheist gal still has cancer, Asshole professor is still a fucking asshole, Islamic dad is abusive, Asian dad is Asian, priest and Christian gal who was once Islamic talk, asshole Atheist professor is an asshole, and the final lecture begins.
RD: Mr. Orange’s back-story includes cops, rehearsing a monologue, and everything you need to know for the last five minutes of the film.
1 Hr, 30 Min In:
GND: Asshole Atheist professor had a mom who died of cancer, so this shit is still more connected. The whole class says “God’s not Dead”, so this film has literally no reason to continue. Roll the damn credits already! But no, we need to look at everyone congratulating Josh and if the priest’s car will ever work.
RD: This film is done. The cop is killed by the son, and, yes, some bullshit occurs. Mr. White, the only person who has an emotional connection Mr. Orange thinks he isn’t the rat even though everyone else who isn’t dead yet totally knows it’s him. The Mexican standoff occurs, and Mr. Pink tries to keep everyone professional, which doesn’t happen, by the way. The don, his son, and Mr. White shoot each other, and somehow Mr. White is still able to crawl to Mr. Orange, to which Mr. Orange confesses, and shots are fired as the screen goes black. Mr. Pink goes off with the diamonds, by the way.
The Rest of GND: The priest’s car finally works! Atheist asshole businessman sees mother, realizes he’s an asshole and converts. Atheist asshole reporter with cancer interviews Christian band, she realizes that she’s just angry about her cancer, so she converts. Atheist asshole professor runs to girl who is probably at the same Christian concert, and is ran over by asshole who hits and runs (probably an Atheist), priest who’s trying to get to vacation happens to be near now dying asshole professor, so he helps asshole Atheist professor see his ways, and asshole Atheist converts right before he dies. Almost the entire main and supporting cast is at the concert now, connecting.
Final film thoughts:
GND: We get it: All males and females that aren’t Christian are assholes. We get it. Also, why did the businessman convert? There’s no reason for him to when the other two do when they’re dying! Why doesn’t he just stop being an asshole and still be an Atheist? Oh right, the film doesn’t allow that.
RD: This film was great. Not Pulp Fiction great, but still great. Bonus points for doing it all during 1 1/2 hours.
Comparatively, Reservoir Dogs is streets ahead of God’s not Dead. Again, I’m not a reviewer, just an asshole.
More to come.
Hi, I’m JC. You might know me from ventures such as the very blog you’re reading that has won zero awards, a high school comedy column that still has yet to win any awards, or that one time I wrote a one-act for my eight grade drama class, produced it, had a role in it, had a great one night run, and was nominated for an award, but lost to a religious play because no one in that class had a sense of humor and obviously hated atheists.
However, unlike usual ventures, today we’re not going to make humorous insights on people I know, and we’re not going to focus on me being an asshole. Instead, I’m going to solve one of America’s biggest issues: People under the age of 18 watching pornography on the internet. It’s an epidemic that affects by at least every single teenage boy with an internet connection, and maybe around 5-10 teenage girls in the United States.
Now, this movement I’m creating is unlike most traditional anti-porn movements. It’s unlike the feminist opposition because we’re totally fine with women having sex and getting paid for it, it’s different from conservatives saying “It’s against traditional values” because anything traditional usually sucks, and it’s different from religious people against it because I know that religious values are lame.
This movement is only about the viewing of pornography. We’re totally fine with masturbation.
The Masturbate to Increase Imagination Movement, saying no to porn and yes to imaginative masturbation, (NOTE: Slogan currently a work in progress) is all about removing the porn from teens while still allowing them to control their urges, and stay sane. No longer will teens get orgasms the easy way, they have to work hard for it.
The MII Movement, because we agree with the objectification aspects that feminists argue, but still want to keep enough objectification that we can imagine having sex with a woman we saw jogging down the street, is done in a few easy steps: Parents block internet sites on the teen’s computer that have any pornographic content, then they talk to their kids about sex and the experience, and then the teen goes wild with their imagination! It’s a simple process that works and helps kids have more imaginative minds.
Also, I should mention that, due to apparent copyright laws, I can’t call it the MII Movement because Nintendo might sue me. It just so happens they want the word MII to be more associated with their Wii avatar, and not an anti-porn movement. So, from now on, it will be called MIIM.
Where does having a larger imagination do for you? Well, our talented researchers believe (and believe, not know) that an increase in imagination can lead to tons of career opportunities, including, but not limited to:
- Professional office worker that has access to a bunch of sticky notes that allows the worker to make silly cartoons, then posts them on Reddit for internet points!
- Professional office worker with self-respect!
- Professional store clerk with health benefits! (Does not apply to Hobby Lobby workers or workers in other companies with religious beliefs.)
- Successful, yet depressed, poetry writer!
- Unsuccessful, yet happy, poetry writer!
The list goes on and on!
So, parents and teens, join MIIM!
MIIM: Because we know porn can lead to dead minds, but we also know that not masturbating can lead to dead bodies.
Too harsh of a slogan? I’m still working on it. Let’s try again.
MIIM: You can watch porn for the story, but god forbid you watch it to do yourself.
Too lame? Alright, time to hit the truth.
MIIM: Because if JC ever gets famous enough, he needs a stupid joke to sell merchandise.
More to come.
A new report published by over 1400 analysts at the Pew Research Center states that there are four threats to freedom on the internet to keep an eye on: Nation-States filtering/blocking the internet, loss of trust from the government/corporation surveillance, businesses commercializing the worldwide web, and individuals filtering themselves will cause less information. People are now aware of not this information, but the fact that researchers have been behind the rest of the internet world.
“Seriously?” asks one user in a Reddit thread. “It took more than 1400 people to realize this? Jesus, it took me a day to understand this myself, and that was a month ago.” One researcher at Pew Research responded to this comment, saying “Well we’re sorry smarty-pants, but getting over 1400 researchers in one room is enough of a bitch to accomplish, and finding out whatever you found out a month ago to be plausible and make it sound professional is a pain in the ass. Once you get even a hundred people in a room, they all start becoming perfectionists and want a single word to be switched, which causes another word to be replaced. This cycle continues until you have an entirely different sentence! Imagine that but with 1400 little whiny researchers and analysts. We had democratic elections for what words to use, and then fucking recounts so everyone knows that ‘evaporate’ beat ‘dissolved.'”
Other research facilities around the United States are criticizing Pew Research for both taking away from the problem and bringing focus to the research center itself, and for giving researchers and analysts a bad name. “Net neutrality has been a problem for months now, and we’ve known about the government spying on us for over a year now,” says a researcher at Yale University, “so who do these assholes think they are when they say shit that we already know? They may think they’re gods shedding light on some big thing, but everyone thinks they’re fucking pricks.”
The research center is now being reviewed for standards in the research industry by multiple committees, and are currently in suspension for “lack of knowledge in the modern world” by the Research Association of America. Pew Researchers have stated “Unlike what you have heard, we are at peak efficiency, and there are more relevant research reports to come in the future.”
UPDATE: Pew Research Center did not meet any standards for Research Facilities, and is now shut down. This “will hopefully stop dragging the Americans down on the world research stage” says a spokesman for the Research Association of America.
This week’s adventure: JC did a 5k, crashed a urology convention, acted like an asshole to children, had his self-esteem raised and lowered within five seconds, and ate at an IHOP at 11 at night, all on the same day.
Yeah, that day was crazy. I never thought in my life that I would do each of these very different activities within a twenty four hour period. Don’t ask me why this happened, because I don’t know exactly how this happened, but I can explain what happened.
The 5k: It all started when I awoke at six. Usually, if I have to wake up earlier than seven or eight on a weekend, shit’s going down that day that I need to be “prepared” for, in this case some 5k I was told about the night before. This 5k was benefiting the ASPCA, and as such dog owners had a chance to do a mile dog walk with other dogs. This was exciting as every five feet you’d see a dog taking a shit on solid concrete even though the owner could so easily move the dog ten feet where there’s perfectly nice grass but because they’re so into talking about another owner’s dog they can’t fucking move their dog to where I can’t step in shit. So I did the 5k with no dogs allowed, finished, and left. Now, if the morning would end there, I would go home and take a shower, but no, I was far from that.
The Urology Convention: My father works at a hotel near this huge convention center and invited me, right after we did the 5k, to his workplace. I accepted, still sweaty and in workout clothes. Apparently, the American Urological Association was holding their annual conference at both the hotel and the convention center. So we arrive right at the ballroom area of the hotel, and there are a bunch of professional looking men and women drinking coffee with a fancy mug and a plate under it. Everyone had some sort of bag holding probably urine samples. So my dad leaves to his office and checks how long he needs to stay, and I’m just standing in the middle of suited people with basketball shorts and a plain white t-shirt. I pretty much looked like a tool. Of course, I’m not the one dealing with piss so fuck those smug ass urologists. I did get a chance to hear some of their urology science in work. Dirty stuff. Also I heard an out-of-context quote from some urologist stating “His penis is just getting smaller.” Dirtier stuff. My morning was over when we left.
The Asshole to Children Part: About eight hours later I was dressed up and partying at a parade and concert. This was at a theme park that still celebrates Mardi Gras until June 7 because profits and commercialism. Because of this late Mardi Gras party, I was able to collect beads, and boy did I get a shitload. Now, any sensible person who could see that some littler kids didn’t have as many beads as you would probably give some of those beads to those unfortunate souls. Bad news for those little fuckers: I hate little kids and I fucking earned the 50-something beads I got. So I begin to walk around, sporting the new look called “I might choke wearing these beads within the hour from the weight but the recognition and angry stares from the parents with little kids are totally worth it.” The look works, because a bunch of little kids looked at me with scorn.
The Self-Esteem: After the party/concert/celebration/complete let down of no breasts shown at a Mardi Gras party. (You will never see more sadness in a human being’s face than a teenage male who sees no tits during Mardi Gras. It beats the faces of cancer patients by a mile. Also, side note: Say what you want about it being at a theme park, it’s still Mardi Gras, okay? The theme park isn’t Disney, so not a whole lot of families are there. Less families = More allowance for boobs.) So I leave the park, still rocking the bead look, into the bustling nightlife that connects to the theme parks. As I walk, I accidentally bump into this cute girl who was conversing with her friend. She and her friend looked back as I apologize and she says, and I swear she said this, “You guys are hot.”
My sadness from no boobage quickly turned to glee from actually having recognition as “hot” from cute girls for once, unlike previous opinions from some people (cough cough, that girl from the 8th grade, cough cough). That lasted for a good two seconds before I understood the plural use of the word ‘guy,’ so I turn to my left to see a bunch of British dudes, and we’re gonna leave it at that as to explaining how better looking they were compared to me.
The IHOP: Now feeling disappointed from my false recognition, and because group members were hungry, we left and decided to eat at an IHOP at 11 at night. I’ll just say it: You will never see clinical depression at higher levels than at an IHOP near midnight (again, sorry cancer patients. You guys are a close second, though). It’s not a mixed group of people at IHOP at midnight, by the way. It’s instead either the fuck-ups like me who spend too much with their groups at the clubs and parks and need a bite to eat or the drugged-up fuck-ups who wake up at 10pm and say “Fuck it, I want pancakes!” before flipping a table in their house and driving their beaten down 87′ Cadillac to the nearest IHOP. So we ate, stayed away from anyone on the crack, and left full, tired, and upset at our choice of eatery.
I’ll be honest, I think that day proves that my life is better than my colleagues. Don’t complain about me stating that, by the way. I (hopefully) won’t see any of my classmates for another two months so I can say whatever the fuck I want about them without repercussion. So yeah, my life is good.
More to come.