The “Regretful Asshole” Cycle.


I’m an asshole as most of you know, but I’m aware of it and I regret it for a good ten minutes of the day. And I really do mean a good ten minutes of the day. It’s the regretful part of the “Regretful Asshole Cycle,” wherein an asshole does feel bad about being a dick for a short period of time before realizing he/she has every right to do so.

I’ve mentioned before that I go to this place where people think they know how to write, dance, act, play jazz music, draw, and build things better than any other student at any other school (you call it art school, I call it whatever I want). (Shit, there I go being an asshole again. Got to stop doing that.) Because of this, I get to be with these people who have talent in whatever they do, and are close to (but not at) my level of greatness. (Hey, I’m still an asshole. I can’t give them too much credit.) I’ll be honest, those people are so nice and grateful for being there and attempt their hardest at whatever it is they think they can get a job with later on in life. There’s no real reason for me to be such an asshole.

However, when I get home and go on the social networks, I start to think “Oh yeah, that’s why I hate these people.” This is the asshole part of the cycle. Yes folks, social networking (specifically Facebook) is the reason I become an asshole. I’m sorry, but if you decide to say stupid bullshit like “Oh, if you’re wondering why I had a deep voice than usual today it’s because I have a sore throat,” I am pretty certain I am legally allowed to think and say sarcastically “Wow, I had no fucking clue.” 

Here’s the best part: The cycle (done correctly) works. I can act nice to my friends in person, realize that I should change my ways, go online, and return to my normal state of mind. They think you’re a great person, but when they don’t see you, you can think whatever you want about their stupid shenanigans. It’s great until you don’t see any of those people for a long period of time (AKA: During summer vacation (AKA: Right now)) and remove the “Regretful” part from the equation, causing me to just become an average asshole. And this has been a process for over a year now, ever since I left middle school and (for still unknown reasons) kept people who I never really hung out with in my friend list. Now when a person that I met years ago and I never see in person sends an invite for “Kik on PC,” because apparently Facebook and Skype aren’t good enough for you, I have to fight the urge to message them in Facebook saying “Hey, I know we didn’t hang out that much, did I ever tell you to go fuck yourself?” They would hopefully respond with “No.” Then I could, with relative ease, respond with “Whoops, let me make up for it: Go fuck yourself.” (If they were to say ‘yes,’ then I would say “Well, let me reiterate: Go fuck yourself.”) Afterwards, I would start hoping that they don’t know where I live, and also hope that I will never see them again. Ever.

I don’t know guys, maybe the people I know will attempt to change me. It makes me joyful to know that they might fight a lost cause, mostly because I, for one, never join lost causes because I enjoy winning.

More to come.

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About aguynicknamedjc

I write comedy.

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  1. Art School Loser 2: Failure at Large. | JC's Blog - September 21, 2014

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